This happened a few years ago. I didn’t know it then, but my life was the kind of life that was the envy of a lot of young people who move to a big city with big dreams. In my case, I had moved to a big city, but without an inkling of what I wanted from life. In other words, I had no grand dreams that I wanted to achieve. Vaguely, I wanted to make a lot of money, but had no conrete plan for how to make it happen. Outwardly, I was successful — did really well at Uni, played semi-professional cricket with guys who were on the cusp of representing England (some of them now play for England!) and could afford to travel whenever I liked. On the inside though, I was miserable. For starters, I just couldn’t get myself to stay with a girl long enough to make it worthwhile. And this really bothered me.
It’s like I just couldn’t express myself to the women I liked, with the result that I often ended up getting a lot of interest from women I would not date even if they were the last surviving female creature on the planet. It was as if I seemed to exude this bewildering aura that attracted only the females that I had no interest in. When it came to women I was attracted to, all this confidence and uber coolness would seemingly evaporate into thin air. Fair to say, I just couldn’t understand women. Or how to attract them. Or even how to ascertain whether they liked me or were just being nice.
Whatever little success I had with women until that point were due mainly to luck. Or even serendipity. If I managed to go out on a couple of dates, it was often with a chick who I did not even make a move on. When I did make a move, it often led to an embarrassing rejection. At house parties, I’d have a fantastic conversation with a woman, only to find out the next day from a housemate that the girl I’d been talking to really liked me — but that she just didn’t understand why I was not taking her hints to take things forward. ‘What hints?!’, was all I could think of.
Long story short — I’d go long periods of time with no action whatsoever, and these periods would often be punctuated with drunken attempts at sex with girls whose names I would struggle to remember the next day, or even on the same night in some instances. These instances of debauchery were often months apart, and in retrospect not fulfilling at all after a certain point in time.
When in Doubt – Vegas!
After one such period of getting absolutely no love or attention from women, I made a trip to Las Vegas with my best friend from University. On our first night there, we spent a lot of time at the casino, and won some money. With a couple of thousand dollars in the kitty for the rest of the 2 day Vegas trip, we called it a night.
On the second night, we were in the mood to make it a big one. Why wouldn’t you, if you had a couple of thousand dollars to blow up?! At 7 pm, our first stop was the hotel bar for cocktails. There weren’t many people there and before anyone could take stock, one thing led to another and we found ourselves with a couple of girls in a club. It was MAD. The music was great, the crowd was stellar and it was a total dream. All was going well, my buddy and I thought we had scored (the girls seemed keen!!), and then all of a sudden the girls said, ‘We had a great time guys, we have to leave’
‘You’ve got to be kidding!!’, we echoed in unison. After about 17 seconds of strategising, unfinished beer in hand, we decided that there was only one way to remedy the situation. STRIP CLUB!!!
By the time we reached the club, it was almost empty. ‘Damn, things finish early here!’, I muttered to myself in dismay as I walked around the smattering of dancers who seemed too tired to stand, let alone dance. This isn’t what Vegas is known for! It was only 4 am! We ordered a beer and sat down at an empty table. ‘Might as well have a chat if we’re not getting ANY action tonight’ was the general unspoken consensus. With both of us starting to yawn, tiredness and sleep announced their unwelcome arrival. What an anti-climatic way to finish a great night!
Just as we got up to leave the club, I spotted the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen in a far, dimly lit corner of the club. She was standing there topless, had loooong, curly hair and a lissome body that seemed like it had been sculpted over many hours of yoga. ‘Daaaayyyyymmmm, I HAVE to go talk to her’, I said to myself. I told my buddy (who was now yawning every minute) to carry on to our hotel and rushed to the far end of the club.
‘Hey, I saw you from across the room and wanted to come over’, I managed to blurt out with an air of confidence that shocked me. She gave me the biggest smile I had seen all evening and motioned for me to sit down. ‘I am wayyyyy too tired to dance now, but let’s get a beer before I head home’, she told me in an unmistakable Spanish accent. And before I could realise what was happening, Luna was in my lap, and we were engrossed in a scintillating conversation…here is a snippet of that conversation.
[Luna in bold, me in normal text]
L: So, do you have a girlfriend?
Me: Umm, nope. I mean, I kind of do. I’ve met this girl a few times but we aren’t exactly in a committed relationship.
L: Hmmm, that’s okay. You’re a free man then!
Me: Well, I guess, but I’d much prefer to be madly in love with someone I call my own.
L: Woah, that’s interesting. (she turns her gaze away for the first time during the conversation)(with a distant look in her eyes) I see where you’re coming from…does it get you down, that you don’t have a girlfriend? Or as you say, someone you can call YOUR OWN?
Me: (a little shocked that she seems to be reading my mind) Actually it does. In fact, over the last year, I haven’t had any intimacy with a woman. And I guess it doesn’t harm to admit it, it does get me down. I think my life would be more complete if I had a beautiful, loving girl by my side. I have a tough job and an understanding partner would make the ride a lot smoother. Also, sex more often than 4 times a year wouldn’t hurt, you know!
L: Now we’re talking! Yes, a special someone can make the ride easier. Life can get tough. Have you ever had a girlfriend?
Me: One, not for very long though. Sometimes I think that I don’t seem like the sort who can stay with someone for very long, and at other times I think exactly the opposite. I have spent countless hours trying to analyse myself, and am none the wiser.
L: (looks deep into my eyes) Why did you break up with her?
Me: Umm, a couple of reasons. I love kids and for some, strange reason, she despises kids. Dogs > Humans is her dictum. So that kind of pissed me off, and little by little, it grew into this demon that I knew would keep me from loving her fully. Secondly, she was too clingy. She’d get upset if I didn’t respond to her messages within 2 minutes. She’d wonder what I was up to if I didn’t pick up the phone. I had to be at her beck and call ALL the freaking time. She’d get unreasonably jealous if I ever praised another woman. Also, I eventually gave up playing a sport I love so I could spend time with her. That really gnawed at my happiness.
L: Ouch! Sounds like some women I know! Yea, I don’t think that was going to work out. Are you bitter about that?
Me: I loved her like crazy at the time. To say that I was besotted with her is the understatement of the century. My work started to suffer since so much of my mind space was taken up by her. When we first met, she described herself as asexual. Isn’t that girl-speak for ‘I won’t have sex with you’? I don’t think she fancied me. So I wasn’t even expecting her to pay me any attention. Then out of the blue, she invites me home for dinner one night. This was when I was beginning to get interested in Bitcoin, and we had spoken at length about it the previous time we had met, so I suspected she wanted to explore Bitcoin in further detail. So when I reached her place, I definitely wasn’t expecting sexy time! Even before we could get to the dinner table, we were making out like animals on her bed. She hadn’t even made any dinner. We drank wine, ate peanuts and spent all night acting like teenagers who had just discovered that boys and girls are different. Anyway, for the 8 months that we were together, we had ridiculous (to the point of it becoming painful) amounts of sex, certainly more than what I’d expected from a person who described herself as asexual.
L: (biting her lip) Woah, now is not the time to remind me of THAT sort of a night…so what do you think you learned from the experience?
Me: To be honest, I don’t know if there was anything to be learned. I try not to think of her as it causes unnecessary trauma. A takeaway which isn’t particularly insightful or true is never to go for the hot chick I suppose? I mean, I got taken in by her beauty. She is one of the most beautiful girls I’ve known. I always considered myself lucky to even be with her in the first place. Look at me!
L: (smiling that sweet, sweet smile) Hold it there boy. That’s the alcohol talking. It might come as a shock to you when I say this, but YOU are the CATCH the women are after. Not the other way round. 99% of men out there think that they have to chase the women. They put women on a pedestal and worship them like a Goddess. The best things in life come to those who wait. YOU ARE THE CATCH. YOU ARE THE CATCH. I can’t repeat this often enough. You need to change your perspective. YOU, dear boy, ARE THE CATCH the women have been waiting for. Life is a tug of war between ‘letting things happen’ and ‘making things happen’ and far too many men spend too much time ‘making things happen’. They have no idea how to read the signs women are giving them. So they go about their life as if they have to do all the work. They really don’t. All they need to do is to live a grand life.
Me: Hold on a second there, so you are saying the women will do the chasing? I’ve NEVER heard that before! Let alone heard, I’ve never experienced that before…
L: Well, women won’t chase, but they’ll hint. Women have more than a hundred ways to tell a man they fancy him. But men understand only about five of those. Well, about 95% of men have zero understanding of women. Patience and understanding will take you further with women than any alpha male approach-driven strategy ever will. Nature has her ways. Patience is one of the easiest ways to let Nature reward you with whatever you are seeking. But in this world of instant gratification, men don’t know how to wait. If you can’t wait, you can’t get. It’s that simple.
Me: That makes sense, I also believe that patience is one of the most under-utilised virtues these days. But what did you mean by ‘live a grand life’?
L: Good question. So, like you said, you gave up all your hobbies and interests since you were so in love with this girl. In essence, you gave up everything that stirs your soul just so you could spend time with her. Over time, you realised something that all people in relationships intuitively know. Which is that the other person can only do and be so much. Beyond a point, one needs his hobbies, passions and interests to keep life from becoming dry and boring.
As a woman, I expect you to pursue life with such gusto that you should not need to feel like a woman will complete you. Your life should be so full that you feel whole already. With or without a woman. Women sense it within the first two minutes of meeting whether a man has a grand life. When he is pursuing his passions, taking risks and moving bit by bit to the ether of his comfort zone, you move, act and talk in a certain way. This can’t be faked. But equally, women sense it when you are giving us too much importance. The truth be told, women like it only initially when you come onto them as if they will light up your world. That gives the ego a boost, admittedly a big boost. But most women know that a man who can make a woman the centre of his world, does not have much else going on in his life. And that is where the attraction dies. And even if there was any attraction, it will slowly fade.
Me: (eyes WIIIIDE open) How did you become so wise?
L: By living a grand life! So the counter intuitive learning that I try and tell my sons is that as long as they’re giving wings to everything that they deeply desire, they will never have a shortage of people wanting to be a part of their life. They are teenagers now and are highly impressionable. The real men of the world don’t chase women with gusto — they chase life with gusto and then invite the women into their world. That is a BIG difference. If she’s happy to come along for the ride, she will. But Don Juan never became Don Juan by asking a woman to complete him.
Me: You have teenage sons?! You don’t look a day older than 25!
L: I’m older than I seem, and look much younger than I am. I sense that you are aching to have a woman in your life. Something tells me that you really want to get over the melancholy you feel with a woman. But that is not the way to go about it. If you feel a void, fill it with irresistible passion. What is it that you have always been passionate about but never done? I am sure you have a list of such things. Start doing those the moment you get back home. Do not spend a minute of your life lamenting the fact that you don’t have a woman. There is a lot of empty space in the universe, as there is in your heart, and you can either fill it with passion, or with the complexity of another human being. I say fill it with passion.
Me: This is NOT the kind of conversation I expected in a strip club. So you’re saying be single forever?
L: Yea, me neither. But I feel that I really vibe with you and these conversations are the ones we will remember for a long time. No, I don’t say be single. All I am saying is, focus on YOU. Focus on yourself, as that is how you will light up the world with passion. And when that happens, women will not be able to hold back from wanting to be a part of your world. All you have to do is to invite them into it. It is a subtle change in mindset, but I assure you that you will never have a lack of women in your life if you do what holds true to your heart.
Me: (in awe…) That is a lot to take in at 5 am after an entire night of drinking. So you’re suggesting I follow my passions, really strive to live up to my potential and become a player? That does sound tempting…
L: Aha! Another common male fallacy! The player chases and wants to add to his sexual conquests, for he doesn’t have much else to offer to the world. A true man dances to the beat of his own drum, and only invites women into his life when he really feels like it. Sometimes, he will invite a woman in for the night. Other times, he will invite her in for the rest of his life. But he acts like HE is the catch, and not the other way round. As soon as he starts believing the opposite, he goes down to the level of the players, the chasers and the men who live to appease women. With women or anything else in life, there is no end to chasing…
You are so young and inexperienced, but you really do need to pay homage to the fragility of life. The real men of the world realise intimately that nothing lasts for an extended period of time. Everything is ephemeral. Our desires, our wants, our likes. Everything changes in form. Form is energy that has been trapped. But you can’t hold energy from flowing for too long. Eventually it turns into something else, because that is what energy does. You can’t fight it. Just because you like a certain lifestyle today does not mean that you will like it in six months. Most men think they can fill a gaping void in their being with three things — women, money and things. So they chase, chase and chase. Nothing will fill this perpetual void except passion that is directed at making your own life better. Constant, never-ending, unrelenting self improvement.
If you have ever felt that obtaining the love of a woman would satisfy you, and after having obtained her love, you still feel like there has to be more to life, that is your soul speaking to you. You need to listen closely and take action. That action will normally not involve your woman. It isn’t the woman’s fault. It is your fault.
In making the focus YOU, you will over time start to do things which are selfless. But that again is a matter of definition. You do things for others because it helps them, but in the end, you are doing them for YOU since it makes you feel great.
Me: Damn, I feel like we need to get breakfast together. So, I’m still confused, if I do all these things, you are saying I won’t need to make an attempt to go out and approach women?
L: You will. But not in the way you have been doing so far. Let me give you an analogy. I used to work at a kindergarten a few years back. The boys in kindergarten are the most attractive males of all time. They’re so effortless with the girls! I mean, they say anything they want, tease the girls, pull their hair, throw sand in their face, and yet, despite all that, the girls want to play with them. What gives? It all boils down to a simple fact — 5 year old boys know how to have fun. If you can leave your ego, your job title, your money and everything at the door, and just go out and have a good time, that’s all that is needed to get women into your life. Keep it simple, keep it fun. I get approached by men all the time, telling me about their jobs, their degrees and how much money they have, and frankly, it doesn’t do much for me. But when a guy can come up to me and make it known that he wants to involve me in his fun, that’s when I get tempted.
L and I decided to grab breakfast together, since it was well past 6 am. She went to change and as I waited to head out with her, I couldn’t help but feel very disoriented. There seemed to be a pattern to everything I was experiencing in life and it always seemed to follow the same order – I’d go from yearning for a certain type of experience, to expending effort in order to make that experience a reality, to living the experience, and finally to feel a boredom that seemed to grow over time as my being settled into the familiarity of living the experience that I so badly craved. I was able to tie this back to pretty much everything in life – dreaming about a certain job and getting it, dreaming about a certain relationship and getting it, dreaming about a certain holiday and then experiencing it…it was like there was always a void in my heart, despite getting or achieving what I previously thought I really wanted.
And here I was, at a strip club, thousands of miles away from home, reminded of the ‘circle of life’ by a woman who seemed to read my mind and sense everything I was feeling.
For the sake of this post becoming too long, let’s end here. My night (morning?) did not end there though 😉 Inspiration, wisdom and life’s most incredible experiences often come from the most unexpected places.