This is a blog post by a Floh member.
Over the years, I have been in some really wonderful (and some horrible) relationships. In most cases, my ex and I actually have ended up as good friends, and we still maintain a healthy relationship without impeding the other’s space.
However, over the last couple of years, I have had some terribly bad dates, and while in some instances I have even questioned myself, I have come to the realization that these kinds of people have completely different and possibly inaccurate expectations when it comes to partners and relationships, and hence tend to have various bad experiences.
Based on my observations, I have compiled a list of things that we need to stop doing if we are ever to enter a healthy, romantic relationship again:
Stop using a checklist
No one is ever going to be good enough if we have too many preexisting conditions and expectations.
Stop having our own agenda
There are two people in a relationship. Period. Find some common ground to connect on rather than just trying to find the best fit. It may work when it comes to shopping for shoes, but not when dating.
Stop looking at the other person like a chequebook
This is all too common, and while money is important, it takes two people to make a great relationship, and a large bank balance is never going to solve that.
Stop avoiding communicating
If there is some confusion or reservations about the other person, talk to them. Not communicating is only going to spread the confusion and create further problems.
Stop living in the past
Comparing the person we are dating to people in the past is never going to make us happy in the present, nor will it allow us to move to a more positive future with another person. (Refer Point 1)
Stop chatting online
While it’s important to communicate, and regularly so, texting, Facebook and Whatsapp messages can never come close to the real thing – they never convey the tone and feeling meant to be conveyed, and can sometimes lead conversations awry.
Stop talking with friends about the person we are dating
It’s important for friends to meet the person we are dating (and possibly considering spending the rest of our life with), but we should do so only when we have independently made up our mind. Dating in today’s world is hard enough without the added confusion caused by other people who may not understand the circumstances, albeit in the best of intentions.
Stop waiting for the other person to be the one to always reach out
The rules of dating have changed – it’s 2016. Want to talk to someone? pick up the phone and call. Invite them to a coffee. If the person avoids you, move on. They’re not worth the time.
Stop being so subjective
We can’t spend the rest of our life analyzing everything that happens. Don’t take things so personally, and let them build up within. They only get worse. Start looking at things in a different life. Only we have the power to change that.
Stop trying to change the person to suit us
Whether it’s clothes, hairstyle or even their car; always remember that we liked the person for who they were when we met them. And if they genuinely care about us, they will naturally be a better person as a result of the healthy relationship we share.
Stop losing confidence
A friend recently told me this, and I really appreciate her honesty. There are enough people out there who will try and make us feel bad, we may have a lot of bad experiences, but ultimately we will never be happy if we don’t love yourself and are not confident about ourselves.
Stop making quick decisions
I cannot emphasize this enough. We live in a world where we make fast decisions when it comes to work, shopping and personal choices, and this shapes the person we are. Take some time to get to know the other person, and be comfortable talking to them over a long period of time before making any decisions. Be patient.
Stop being cynical
Yes, there are a lot of bad things that happen, and it’s getting harder to meet the right person. Yes, we are all getting older by the minute, and our families and friends put enough pressure on us. But not enjoying the experience of dating will never let us move ahead in life, whether by ourselves or with someone, and ultimately will only harm us. So stop thinking of all the bad things that have happened in the past, and focus on the good aspects of dating.
Stop being shy
If we never ask, the answer will always be no. We get one life; get out and live it.
Stop asking the wrong questions (and giving the wrong answers)
OK, so perhaps there is nothing such as the wrong question or the wrong answer, but sometimes the manner in which the questions are asked can really push a person into a corner and make them uncomfortable. This will only ensure answers that we may be uncomfortable with, and what’s worse, we may interpret it incorrectly. Take the time to get to know the person, be comfortable with each other, and then and only then broach the more important questions.
Stop looking for the “right person”
There is no such thing as the right person – there is only a person that we enjoy being with, the person that we enjoy talking to all the time, the person we are comfortable and secure with, and the person we want to come home to. Don’t focus too much on the choice, but how to adapt to each other, so that the relationship can be enjoyed equally. Anything else is only poisonous.
Although certain points may seem like repeats, I wanted to be thorough. This has been my experience, and I can only hope that others have better experiences. Have an experience or something else that you would like to add this list? Let me know in the comments below!