Single Men and their Commitment Phobia

This is a post by Floh member, Nitin Nair. It originally appeared in Femina.
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Ranbir Kapoor Winking

“I don’t get it. I really don’t.
For me he is “the man”. Goofy yet intelligent, laidback yet thoughtful, imperfectly perfect. He hugs me without trying to kiss me all the time, but will kiss me for no reason at all. He drops me to my house even when it is out of the way, he smiles when I smile. I’ve never met a man who spent so much time and energy trying to woo me. The night-long conversations, the amazing dates and trips, the poetry. I fell for him!
Hook. Line. And sinker.
It’s been a year since we started dating. Last week, I casually mentioned the “M” word. I didn’t hear from him for an entire week! He just disappeared. No phone, no text, no email. What the F@#$? How could he just vanish like that? I know that he travels for work but before this, he’d call me from wherever he was. Then, out of the blue, he calls me Saturday night to say he’s “not ready”. He says, ‘I love you, baby, but why do you have to screw it up? Can’t we just keep things like they were?”

Ladies,
Before you start claiming patent rights to the above mentioned story, let me clarify that I am not talking about your boyfriend/husband/ex here. Well, not specifically at least. Flashback to a recent social event, where a single woman challenged me: “You look like a commitment-phobe?” (She, of course, was the eternal optimist considering she was twice divorced, but I digress.) Her challenge did get me to deliberate, on this surprisingly “easy to find” community called commitment-phobes.
Since then, at great risk of being ostracised — even Dexter’ised — by this community, I have put together a list of the Top 5 frequently used escape clauses in the M contract. Here they are (presented in no particular order):

1. The Osho in Making:
The one who wants to achieve something before he settles down.

Am not yet ready, darling. You know how I’ve always wanted to translate the Encyclopaedia in Mayan, travel to the birth city of LK Advani (Mohenjo-Daro for the uninitiated), write a book titled The Obituary of a Praying Mantis. Baby, What I am trying to tell you is that I am on the verge of becoming this 20-year overnight success. How can you be so cruel to do this to me?

Desired response from you: “Come out of the closet. Don’t just be a legend in your own mind.”

2. The Don Juan Incarnate:
The one who is in it for the physical relationship.

Now that the “chemistry” has come and gone and the mascara of infatuation is wearing off, horror of horrors, I am beginning to see her for what she is. Dammit, she has strengths, vulnerabilities and, more frighteningly, a point of view too. Things are moving too fast, maybe we are spending too much time with each other. I don’t agree with this level of intimacy. The walls are closing in. Help, I didn’t sign up for this.

Desired response from you: Sorry Boy!!! No Chemistry – No Biology.

3. The Prime Minister:
The one who lives in the illusion of being committed

“So introducing you to my mom is not good enough?But we’ve discussed kids and the solitaire that you’ve always wanted for your…I mean our marriage. Listen, I didn’t add you on Facebook, because I wanted to build intimacy through real life interactions but now I am ready.
Seems familiar? Like our prime minister, this guy will dangle sops and carrots to suggest forward motion in the relationship when the truth is, five years down the line you are exactly at the same place where you started.

Desired response from you: “No-confidence motion passed with immediate effect.”

4. “The One” Around The Corner:
The one who keeps waiting for the Dream Girl

When I was in school, all I wanted was a good looking girl.
Unfortunately she had the emotional range of a barbell.

College brought with it a caring girl, at first extremely likeable
No fun, no zest, it is such a pain—being with someone so predictable

I looked for someone interesting, together unexplored peaks we would ascend
Little did I realise this one would cheat on me with my best friend

Learnt my lessons, settled for a girl “Oh so sorted”
To my chagrin, I found that all logic of mine was being thwarted

Having gone through my share of swirl and twirl,
All I want is a good looking girl

Desired Response from you:
Go for it buddy, but if you turn around, you won’t see any mourner
‘Coz am not ready to play second fiddle to “the One” around the corner.

5. The Freedom Fighter:
The one not ready for the responsibilities that come with commitment
One look at this comparative chart and you will understand why this guy prefers the medieval rack to taking the plunge.

Nitin Table

Desired response from you: Sorry, I cannot help you on this one. You are on your own.

If you liked this post, you might also like ‘The Indian Woman’s Definitive Guide To The Indian Man.’

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