Of all the kinds of fatigue one could suffer from, this one really does take the cake.
If you told me…
‘Man, I’ve been training for a half marathon the last few months, and I seem to feel so exhausted if I don’t sleep 8 hours a night.’
I will understand. Been there and done that. I know what it’s like. You need much more food and much more sleep when you’re putting your body through that.
Or…
‘I’ve been working 12 hour days the last 2 weeks, and putting in time even on weekends. I am toast.’
Yea, I get you. I know what you must feel like.
Or….
‘I’ve been meeting so many girls, I feel physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted’.
Say what?!?!
Surely that must be soooo much funnn!
Well, not quite.
Especially when a lot of these are first dates, and you are having to go through the painstaking process of trying to assess if there is anything at all which will make you want to see this person again. For anything.
Unbelievably, dating fatigue can manifest when you’re going on relatively few dates as well — it is not only a symptom of ‘too much’ dating.
The fatigue is more emotional, than anything else. You don’t wake up with aching calves and a stiff back. You do wake up with a lot of ‘whys’ and ‘what ifs’…
In many ways, the advent of apps has made it easy to meet people. That goes without saying. I do like stating the obvious sometimes.
Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, match, swipe, swipe….and hopefully that one match duz not typ lyk dis n lykes ze same tings as u…And after a little bit of banter to and fro, she agrees to meet! Woah! That was easy. Game on!
You decide to meet at a pub in the centre of town. She’s got tattoos in all the right places (can you have tattoos in wrong places?), seems in reasonable shape, and has a lovely smile. The kind of smile that has a gleam and a glitter, topped up with irresistibly cute dimples. Her profile has a one line description of herself, which doesn’t indicate much apart from the fact that like most Homo Sapiens, she enjoys reading, watching Netflix, eating good food and exploring art museums and galleries. Oh, and did I mention the #wanderlust? How could I forget the wandering and the lusting that inevitably becomes a part and parcel of the wandering?
As the conversation progresses, you find yourself gulping down that pint of Phat Abbott faster than you normally would. You find your mind wandering. You’re not really listening to what she is saying. Where else does she have tattoos, you begin to wonder. She seems a little hesitant about a lot of things. ‘Or is it me? Am I making her uncomfortable?’ That beer has 8.5% ABV. Watch it, man!
After a ten minute conversation which had too many awkward silences to fill in, she excuses herself to go to the restroom.
You flip out your phone. You look around. Your mind is racing! You check Instagram. Srishti is in Barcelona. Traveling, again. Rohith is attending another wedding in Jaipur. How do people afford weddings at those hotels man? That Swedish girl you started following recently can do one handed pull ups. ‘I can’t do ten two handed pull ups’, you remind yourself, and you glance at your right bicep as it flexes ever so slightly to get the glass of beer to your lips. Your biceps need work.
She returns.
You sense that she looks a little different. Or may be, you weren’t noticing things about her before. Hey! Her top shirt button is open. Did you notice that before?! You sit up a little straighter. And you can see a tattoo peeping through. May be this is going to be more exciting than you thought…
Aaaand, like one too many such encounters you have had in the last few weeks, you resign yourself to the fact that the tattoo on her chest did its job rather well — it got your heart pumping and mind racing, but only momentarily. The rest of the evening was not as exciting as you had hoped for. Sure, the two of you exchanged moments of intense eye contact and moments when you both really did vibe well, but you couldn’t be sure. Before she can order her third beer (jeez, she drinks quickly!), you ask if you both should call it a night and bounce. She seems glad to be doing something else. You walk out of the pub. At which point she says, ‘Hey, this was fun’. And when you look into her eyes, you realise that there is an iota of authenticity to that innocuous statement. Confused, and a little tipsy, you respond, ‘Yea, it was’, trying to sound as enthusiastic as she is, but probably failing to convey any intention to meet again.
If it really was fun, she would text the next day. Inevitably, she does. Hmmm, she does seem keen, you think to yourself. May be you weren’t in the mood last night? She did have a sense of humour, you think to yourself. And she definitely does have a penchant for difficult travel — having been to places you wouldn’t dare to! And, she was doing really well career-wise. And the tattoos! May be you need to try this again — perhaps there is something there that you should explore?
‘Why am I feeling so off?’, you ask yourself repeatedly over the next couple of days…
Sounds familiar?
Dating fatigue can get to you if you go on a streak of dates where you don’t really feel a connection with the people you are meeting.
Given how easy it is to set up a meeting these days, it doesn’t require superhuman skills to go on dates every single day, meeting a new person each time.
But, this comes at a cost. You feel physically exhausted, for sure. This doesn’t send the best message out to the people you are out with. When you are physically exhausted, your ability to project the right kind of energy is hugely diminished.
More alarming than the physical exhaustion is that your tank of emotional energy starts to deplete rather quickly.
You start to wonder if this ‘process’ is worth it at all. ‘Is there anybody out there for me?’
Unknowingly, you fail to show up as your best, funny, compassionate, intelligent, awesome self, even with women who you probably would have hit it off, had you been running on a full tank.
You start to believe that the single life is the only life for you.
Friendly reminder from the Single Man — being single is freaking awesome too 😉
You get the idea though — your efforts can seem to make you worse off, when the intention was to make you better off.
Worst of all, you can get into a mode of going into an interaction having already decided that it is going to be like the ones that have gone before — uninspiring. That is when you begin to do a disservice to yourself, and to the person you are meeting.
Whenever you feel like you are meeting people just to go through the motions, you need to STOP.
Take time.
Pour yourself a glass (or three) of Dalwhinnie and ask yourself why you are doing this.
Delete all the apps for the time being. You don’t need the ping of a match to remind you that you haven’t met anyone interesting in weeks.
Try and connect with friends and family members who you know will be great to hang out with.
Do stuff you haven’t done in a while. Change it up. Abolish the routine and plan an adventure.
And may be you need to get very clear on the type of person you are looking for. Dalwhinnie really helps with that process — trust me!
Enjoy the sanctity of living like a person who doesn’t need to respond to any messages. And doesn’t need to impress.
And then get back into the game when you feel nourished, rested and ready.
Chances are, while you’re taking it easy, not trying to push yourself to meet people, someone interesting will come along when you least expect it.
Keep your eyes and heart open.
Serendipity can only work in your favour if you aren’t trying to hog all the limelight.
Life is as much about making things happen, as it is about letting things happen.
So let go…just a little bit!
– SIMBA (Single Indian Man from BAngalore)
(Thanks Akriti for the acronym!)
If what I’ve written above resonates with you, I’m confident that you will really like being a Floh member. Floh is a curated community for Indian singles who are looking for a meaningful relationship. Click here to read more about Floh.
